Cards

Loneliness Combat Tactics #1

Backstory – I moved to Idaho for a new job after we (my partner M and I) just purchased our new home in Washington state.  Destiny is a bitch sometimes.  M has a couple jobs and since we can’t sell the house for at least a year she is staying, and I’m here in potato and gun country (not to be mistaken for potato-gun country which I believe refers to Florida where my totally handsome but not so bright cousin lives).  I miss M and although I made the terrible error of agreeing to share a rent with a co-worker (I really dislike room mates) I still find ways to be lonely.  So I decided to insert some humor into this predicament and develop some creative ways to battle loneliness. Hence my new series explodes upon the scene!   This weekend my roomy is out of town taking care of some of her leftover out-of-state business.  So I have the place to myself.  SWEET SILENCE.  Love it!  I’m looking around for the not-so-obvious creative things to do in my solitude – here’s one.

Playing Strip Poker with Yourself

  1. Shuffle the deck of Las Vegas, hole punched playing cards and deal two hands of five cards each.
  2. The one you dealt first is your alter-ego, so pick it up first but don’t show the other hand.  Determine what hand you’re going for and discard the cards accordingly.
  3. Deal the replacement cards face down and don’t peek.  Have some integrity for goodness sake!
  4. Play the hand you dealt yourself (as in the ones in front of you dimwit) and follow the same instructions as #2 and #3, only you can look at the replacement cards and setup your hand accordingly.
  5. Place your best hand face up and stare into the imaginary eyes of your alter-ego as if to say – “Have that! You lily-livered sap sucker!”
  6. Make a note to look up where the afore mentioned phrase came from because you’re in timber country Idaho and it could have some historical value in a future blog post!
  7. Play the resulting alter-ego cards and make your best hand.  If your alter-ego lost, place the hand face down with a defeated expression and keep your damn clothes on.
  8. If you lost (the cards in front of you – how many times do you need this explained for-crying-in-my-beer-cheese-soup?) – your alter-ego probably slammed their cards down and jumped up and down pointing at your empty chair.  This means you have to select a piece of clothing to take off.  Make sure the blinds are closed so that you are attracting the wrong kinds of new friends in town.  Also, a good strategic rule when playing strip-poker is to start with something small.  A sock is a reasonable approach to this dilemma.
  9. Reshuffle the deck.  Only amateurs play until a deck is spent, thereby limiting the hands you can get and tipping off your opponent to what cards are left and therefore what you probably have in your hand.
  10. Repeat steps #2 – #6, changing #7 to read as follows – Play the alter-ego hand.  If your alter-ego lost, place the hand face down with a defeated expression and put a piece of clothing back on.
  11. Continue this process until you are entirely naked, having been reduced to a cellulite-riddled, pale-skinned dweeb defeated by her alter-ego who, by the way, is laughing her ass off at you across the table.

Here’s an interesting spin you can put into this game.  When you’re down to your undies with only one hand left, challenge your opponent to an all or nothing bet.  If you win, you get to put all your clothes back on.  If you lose you have to toss the undies, put all your clothes back on, and strip again.

If you are like me and don’t really enjoy the experience of getting undressed or dressing, you may decide this is not really the solution for your loneliness.  In that case, stay tuned for more Loneliness Combat Tactics to follow!

Disclaimer – I do realize that I’ve made some GREAT friends already and I don’t claim to be lonely from lack of people to talk to and hang out with.  If my new seemingly kindred-spirit pal is reading (you know who you are) I will say that I enjoyed NOT developing a new menu for the local restaurant last night and just having hilarious conversations with a great group of gals.

English: Playing cards.

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